An Open Letter to Dads about ADD: Absent Dad Disorder

I was getting my hair cut a couple of weeks ago and the subject of recent articles written by me came up. We had some discussion about the content of the articles and this particular mother (who cuts my hair) said to me, “I think some of what you have said is great, but how do we get the dads to read it?” She suggested, “How about an email list of all of the dads so you can communicate with them directly each week?”

Those questions revealed a reality that I see weekly in our school families: many—not all—dads are essentially absent from the daily interaction and training of their children. As our faculty sees more and more of the consequences of a family operating with the father being absent, we have changed the traditional meaning of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and used the acronym to mean Absent Dad Disorder.

There are several symptoms of ADD:

• Children who are inappropriately craving affection, especially from men. The child does not process it—they do not know what they are doing—they are just attempting to fill that void that should be filled by their father.
• Children who are not behaving properly. These children are not getting the training and discipline that they need from a man.
• Children who are physically aggressive towards other children and/or even their mom. I am not a psychologist, but it seems that the child is simply releasing frustration or anger that is below the surface.
• Children who have little discipline in their life, manifested by the fact that they struggle to stay on task at school or do their homework at home.
• Children who no longer have any respect for what their parents say, because they have received a message for years that they are not important enough to get on Dad’s schedule for attention.
• Mothers who are exhausted. So much could be said about ADD hurting your marriage, although we are focusing on the children in this letter. Dad, your wife is being run into the ground! She is trying to fill the role of two parents and she cannot do it. Even if she could be two parents, she cannot be a man. God has created men to be the leaders in their households and has given men special tools to get the job done. Ephesians 6:4 is speaking to fathers when it says to bring up the children in the training and admonition of the Lord.
• Mothers who are the spiritual leaders of the household—and let me tell you, they hate that position. God has wired them to be led, not to lead. Yet they are trapped between their Biblical responsibility to love and support their husbands and a desire for you to be the father and husband that God has called you to be.

Now let me make a couple of exceptions to those who are doing the best they can. First, if you are a single parent, I do not even understand how you get anything done. What a difficult situation! Second, if you are a man who has a job that causes you to be away from home or work for long hours, and it is the only job you can get for your level of training, no need to feel guilty. In those cases, you must trust that the Lord will watch over your family and while you do the best you can.

But you have to be honest. If you are working long hours and traveling, because you want to make more money than you really need, or you just do not want to be home, because you get more satisfaction in your job, you are guilty of neglecting your God given responsibility, and you need to make a change. You are not going to be able to see the complete picture of how the ADD is hurting your child, because it is a slow process of degradation that will not be seen until you have a problem.

Does your family have ADD and you want to do something about it? There is a cure and a hope. Let me give you an idea that will change your relationship with your wife and children: sit on the couch and read the Bible for thirty minutes with them. Is that it? Yes, that is it. Only thirty minutes of your day. Can you stop work thirty minutes sooner? Yes. Can you leave the golf course or tennis courts thirty minutes earlier? Yes. Can you choose to shut the television off or put down the newspaper for 30 minutes? Yes.

Here is what will happen:

• When you are dead-beat-tired at the end of the day, God will give you the strength to do it.
• Your children will believe that their dad thinks the Bible is important.
• Your children will know that they are important to you.
• You will have opportunities to talk with your children about things that they are thinking about.
• God will change your heart and give you a joy that you did not know was available, and many more things will begin to happen that will be a blessing.
• Are you afraid of reading the Bible because you do not know it well? Start with the book of Matthew and just take it one step at a time. God will give you guidance.
• Your wife will cry with tears of joy.

Dad, go home. They have been waiting for you.